Pandemic Motherhood Diary, Entry 45: First Day of School Blues

It was the first day of school for my kindergartener. With class officially back in session, I had to readjust my morning routine from getting up solo to getting three bodies to three locations on time. I was a wreck. When I turned the corner to pull out of my neighborhood, I saw the drop-off line to the school backed up past our street. I immediately started crying because I knew I was going to be late for work. 

Since returning to work outside the home, my new normal has been arriving to work early enough to take time for myself in my car. I eat breakfast, enjoy my loud music, and mentally prepare myself for the eight-hour day ahead. Well, technically, nine when you include lunch, which I rush to for a moment of seclusion. I desperately need it to get through the rest of the day. I thrive on routine. It benefits my mental health because I can’t stand unpredictability. Because of this, I realized how much I miss working remotely.

Working from home has always been a thing, but of course, it became a bigger thing when the pandemic began. The benefits it added to our lives were unmatched. It aided in protecting some of us from the virus, but also gave us some time and peace of mind back. The pandemic caused many of us to slow down and reevaluate what working away from home full-time forces us to give up.

Before the pandemic, I was comfortable with the mundanity of going to work daily. I didn’t have two busy kids. Every morning before work, I learned to think myself into a positive mood. Nowadays, it is much more complicated and often slips out of my hands. My kids’ actions often dictate my moods, and honestly, some mornings I pull it together just before clocking in. Remote working allowed me the flexibility and space for meltdowns and the option to slow down. I didn’t have to perform politeness and small talk during moments where I was overwhelmed and succumbing to it.

Then there is the presumed flipside of working remotely. Where there is comfort and flexibility, there may also be some version of social isolation. Some studies have shown that remote work has shifted how individuals interact with their colleagues. I do believe there are some narratives that are purely propaganda to ensure more people return to workspaces. Between commercial real estate taking a downturn, and more people leaving traditional jobs to seek remote work for the assumed flexibility, it’s no secret why there’s a push to lessen remote opportunities. Still, there is truth in work filling a large portion of people’s social needs.

I wondered if this applied to me. In retrospect, many of my associates came from work. However, the pandemic alone wasn’t the only factor in what isolated me. Postpartum also played a major role. By baby number two, I was dealing with postpartum depression. The socioemotional impact the pandemic had on my postpartum journey was crucial. I already enjoyed withdrawing from the world far too often and the comfort of loneliness only added to my postpartum struggles. Returning to  a space where I am expected to be my best self and leave the bubble behind is still an adjustment.

It has been three months since I returned to work outside of my home – three months of learning how to manage my mornings with limited time and three months of figuring out how to deal with three individual morning emotions. We all deserve to head to our destinations feeling positive. Unfortunately, I am still learning how to respond when things don’t go according to plan. Nevertheless, I am learning.

I miss the parts of remote working that allowed me room to deal with the curveballs with ease. It also allowed me to be more present, and that is something that I never took for granted. Nevertheless, I enjoy going to work. Every morning isn’t going to be smooth sailing but I look forward to figuring it out with my kids right beside me. In the end, I also recognize the gift in having opportunities that enable me to create memories for my family and have a life that I enjoy returning home to.

Melissa Menny is an author with a Bachelor of Arts degree in Journalism. She is a poet and a writer in all aspects. When she is not working, she enjoys painting, music, and spending time with her husband and two sons.

This is the most recent in a series of essays about raising young children in the COVID era. Read entry 44 here.