Pandemic Motherhood Diary, Entry 42: Happy 10th?

I was brainstorming potential plans for my husband and I’s upcoming 10th wedding anniversary this summer. While pondering a way to acknowledge our milestone, I stumbled upon a beautiful Ethiopian restaurant that leases space for events. A dinner party with a sprinkle of family and friends sounded like a feasible and exciting way to mark 10 years together. But I can’t consider a “gathering” without acknowledging the virus. Acknowledging the virus also means acknowledging our anti-vaxxer and conspiracy theorists family members. To invite or not to invite?

More than seven million people have died from COVID-19. Very seldom does anyone pause nowadays to assess what we’ve lost. The pandemic pulled families apart in more ways than one. It wasn’t enough to lose family and friends to the virus itself. Many of us have lost family members to the swarm of misinformation. 

My grief isn’t caused by the death of the actual person. It is a deep sadness because of the distance and not being able to recognize someone I was always close with. That person is one of my brothers. We went from sharing excitement about Marvel films and shows, to not speaking for months at a time. How does one go from talking regularly to not being able to have a conversation without the need to dodge a conspiracy theory? 

Since the start of the pandemic he had become more and more obsessed with conspiracy theories and would often debate me about them, starting with the “flat earth” speculation. The more I rejected and debunked, the more videos he would send and the more aggressive the conversations became. Suddenly, I was considered a bad mom for my religious beliefs and misguided in his eyes. He started acting as if he needed to save me from the life I was living. Needless to say, the wedge became inevitable and seemingly necessary. 

I remember inviting him over for thanksgiving. It was the first time I had seen him in three years. The mental gymnastics it took for me and others to just have a “normal” conversation with him became taxing and sad. Every few minutes, he would attempt to start a conversation about the new information he had “learned.” It was always something completely outlandish. I had no interest in debating any of it, so I would change the subject. Do I really want to spend my anniversary dodging conspiracy theories and anti-vaxx rhetoric?

What has been true since COVID vaccines were made available is that anti-vaxxers have been loud and uncompromising about them. Nowadays, it isn’t solely about being anti-vaccine for COVID-19. We are now seeing individuals deny the safety and necessity of the vaccine for measles. Just thinking about the families that are willing to face the possibility of death, even for their kids, all in the name of protesting vaccines, is disturbing.

Unfortunately, my brother isn’t the only one in my family that has latched onto conspiracies. That makes this decision to tame the guestlist even harder. The rise of anti-vaxxers and conspiracy theorists has caused a rift where there used to be closeness. Conversations don’t look the same nowadays. We find ourselves trying to navigate grief paired with a false reality. With this comes discomfort, and with discomfort comes distance. 

What many experience with this disconnect with their loved ones is the unfamiliarity. You don’t often recognize the person anymore. I am literally hesitant at all times to reach out because I don’t know what I’m going to receive. It shouldn’t be that way. Now, there are some conspiracy theorists who are arguably harmless. However, when it comes to matters of science and illnesses, I think it’s safe to say that they become a bit of a danger to those around them. The lack of sensitivity for those who have died from COVID-19 because “it’s not real.” Or the refusal to get the vaccination because “it’s a tracking chip” or “it will kill you.”

The past few years have gone by so fast. Because of that, I really want to enjoy our anniversary. I don’t think I have the patience to deal with anyone’s rants and ill-informed rage. Nevertheless, I don’t think anyone should give up on loved ones who need time to face logic. However, for our special day, I think I want to pass on the mental gymnastics and enjoy myself. 

Melissa Menny is an author with a Bachelor of Arts degree in Journalism. She is a poet and a writer in all aspects. When she is not working, she enjoys painting, music, and spending time with her husband and two sons.

This is the most recent in a series of essays about raising young children in the COVID era. Read entry 41 here.