Pandemic Motherhood Diary, Entry 41: “I Miss Brother”

Every morning, I get my five-year-old ready for school with my three-year-old right beside me. When I leave the drop-off line, my youngest says to me, “I miss brother.” When we bring the older one home, my youngest always picks up his brother’s backpack and wears it around the house. He tells me he’s pretending he’s going to school. I crack a smile in response to his pretend play, but deep down, I’m a wreck thinking about the idea of him starting school any time soon.

My husband recently picked up our son’s shot records to submit to the school that we may send our youngest to in the fall. It’s a campus we’re familiar with because it’s where our oldest started out. If we decide to enroll him, our youngest would start out doing half days in a pre-kinder program like our oldest did. Between the measles making its rounds, COVID-19 still being around, and a host of other possible illnesses that can spread because of the rise of anti-vaxxers and misinformation, we aren’t so confident. 

When we made the heart-wrenching decision to send our oldest to school in the fall of 2023, it was not something we pondered lightly. At the time, the idea of trying to homeschool a toddler with a younger child at home with different needs felt daunting. Of course, we spent time learning, but eventually, he would need more. I recently had another parent-teacher conference where my child’s teacher told me that he’s progressing really fast & is doing things that haven’t been taught yet. “Whatever it is that you guys are doing, keep doing it,” she said. Her words made me seriously revisit the idea of homeschooling and my ability to do it. 

My husband and I have had several conversations in the last week about the idea. We discussed what that could look like, including curriculum. The idea doesn’t feel impossible. With his expertise as an educator who has taught for 10 years, my background in child and family development, and just us knowing what our kids need, I believe we could do it. But are we ready for that? Am I seriously prepared for that?

The recently-appointed U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services is a known anti-vaxxer. On top of that, many changes are happening because of current leadership that could further affect my kids’ education and environment. It is already a mental load even to send my kid to school daily when considering all of the things that could go wrong or harm him. But seeing the direction our world is going in has only brought me more anxiety and concern. What will happen to campuses with more and more children’s parents seeking vaccination exemptions? Are my kids better off at home with me?

When the virus first began to spread, my only sense of comfort was knowing that my kids were home with me day in and day out. We were as cautious as possible because you can’t predict everything. But regardless of the hiccups along the way, I still had comfort knowing that they were home in my protection. I was the only one responsible for their education and their safety. That gave me peace.

As always, I don’t know what the future holds. I am confident in my children’s ability to progress in their education if we stick with sending them school. I’m also confident in my ability to be solely responsible for that. Will we send our youngest to school in the fall? Will we wait until he’s old enough to attend school with his brother? Or will we take both of them out of school and let them learn with their parents? I guess we have some decisions to make.

Melissa Menny is an author with a Bachelor of Arts degree in Journalism. She is a poet and a writer in all aspects. When she is not working, she enjoys painting, music, and spending time with her husband and two sons.

This is the most recent in a series of essays about raising young children in the COVID era. Read entry 40 here.